At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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