jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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