So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
