well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
