Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
