I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I look better un-naked...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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