he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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