When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
