i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
