Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
