The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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