At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
