He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
whose parrot is this?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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