i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
