we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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