Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
