one word: firstdatebathroomanal
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
