Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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