I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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