He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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