Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
