Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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