I think i sorta joined a cult last night
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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