my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
wow bdsm is so cute
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
