i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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