the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
