The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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