i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
