you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
