I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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