The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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