he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
