I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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