You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
