Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
