How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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