We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
