I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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