Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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