i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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