i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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