I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
