my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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