He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
