I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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