I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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