This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
