you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
