can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
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it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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