I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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