New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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