My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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