Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
