My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
