i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
