Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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