a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
