I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
