Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
