a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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